The Best Exotic Moss Arbour Inn

Image Credit: Broomstick Welcomes our Precocious Patrons, photo by contrariaN creativE

You know you've come to the right place if you can spot a breathtaking broomstick on the front porch and a wicked witch on the warpath to find it.

Image Credit: Proprietors of the Inn - photo by contrariaN creativE

Father Guido Sarducci and his curious companion-in-arms, Jezebel Jinglepot are the gracious hosts of this little-known retreat for odd-ball, off-beat, and out-of-sorts folks who feel the need for a little adventure in an alluring spot that is literally off-the-map.

With many moons of experience behind them, these plucky proprietors are pleased to be at your beck and call, together with their staff of dedicated doormouse delivery-agents aided by fabulously freaky front-line folks such as Susie Q - The Boisterous Black Widow Spider.

Remember, your wicked wish is just a blinking buzzer, a tawdry telephone call, or perhaps a twisted text message away.

1. This alluringly adventuresome abode gives new meaning to the term "exotic".

2. The Inn is owned by a dude with attitude named "Doo-Wah-Diddy" and a very wicked wench affectionally known as, "Nibbling Norfin".

2. All of its well-appointed weird rooms permit guests to R.I.P. (Rest In Peace) in their choice of a size-friendly sarcophagus, a tantalizing Tomb of the Forgotten, or a pentagram-decorated pine box.

3. All rooms are numbered 13 in order to add an air of mystery to the place and satisfy the difficult-to-meet needs of our deleriously different guests such as fire-eating fishwives, hysterical harpies and misbegotten muckrakers.

4. Every Friday the 13th, the Inn offers a number of surprisingly superstitious specials (designed to please browsing bedlam-seekers, sassy sirens, and tricky termagants who love to let the cat of the bag).

5. Seating at "The Last Meal" is reserved for 13 patrons per table. All guests are invited to share their favorite bogeyman or bad luck tales while wolfing down a wonderful witches brew served on reconstituted rubber receptacles (a.k.a. environmenttally-friendly, dishwasher-safe, previously-enjoyed non-PVC plates).

6. The Inn prides itself on its progressive postmodern patron policies which do not permit smoking like a chimney on the premises nor releasing fetid fragrances in confined spaces such as closets, stairways, or bathrooms.

7. Every week the inn features a frightful selection of fin, fur, and feather to satisfy the most devilishly discriminating palate of creepy cuisine enthusiasts. 

8. Those with special needs from the odious occult community will enjoy awesome accommodations and amenities whether it be fashionably freaky furniture for foul weather fiends, oddly-decorated outhouses for ogres, or a ghastly golf course designed by the Grim Reaper for demon duffers, hapless hellions, and tetchy tigers.

9. All clocks on the premises are frozen in time at 12:00 midnight in honor of the witching hour, a special time to observe cows jumping over the moon, crazy critters howling at the moon, or cackling crones casting spells on a moonlit night.

10. The Inn encourages an eco-friendly healthy lifestyle by inviting all patrons to participate in popular events such as kissing frogs, pinning the tail on an invisible donkey, and bobbing for beets, turnips, and other delicious veggies.

Image Credit: The Best Exotic Moss Arbour Inn Sign - photo by contrariaN creativE

Image Credit: Mouse on the run - photo by contrariaN creativE

The Inn is open 24/7.

It invites free-roaming species of all sorts to take up residence when the spirit moves them to do so.

The only caveat being that all guests must be respectful of each other and tread lightly when travelling down the halls, stairwells, and window-sills.

Image Credit: Witches Brew - photo by contrariaN creativE

Every night of the week, The Best Exotic Moss Arbour Inn serves a mystery meal that is sure to offer hungry hounds and horses not to mention a smattering of lunatic leprechauns, seasonal spooks, and wandering wizards a main course that they'll never forget.

Below is a sample of what weird and wacky things are waiting for you in the weekly Witches Brew:

Boiling Broth of Blubber or Bat's Tail Soup

Gnarly Old Shoe Stew

Simply Superb Stone Soup

Spider Legs Stew & Twiglets

Roast Rat on a Spit with Gargoyle Gravy 

Green Deviled Egg and Ham Sandwiches

Dutch-Oven Dodo Bird

White Wood Worm Pizza With Pan-Seared Ants

Fresh Green Salad with Crunchy Troll Toenails

Bat Whiskers & Swamp Slithers

Witches' Fingers & Haggis

Pigs-in-a-Blanket & Poutine

Image Credit: Pewter Mug Concoction - photo by contrariaN creativE

This captivating caravansary caters to the dietary needs of septuagenarian soothsayers, sorcerers, and skulking spirits plus an odd assortment of vintage vampires, vixens, and voodoo practitioners.

For those who can no longer digest pickled pigs toes, toads in the hole, and lightly-brazed lizards, the Chef de Queasy Stomachs at the Inn can prepare a marvelous magical medicinal that will rejuvenate any flagging folk.

Called "Lucifers Lipsmacker", this drink is sure to warm the cockles of any hag, harridan, or hapless hobgoblin.

Ingredients:

1 quart of lime sherbet

1 can of frozen limeade (thawed)

1 large bottle of fizzy drink: Sprite, Ginger Ale, or Soda Water

1 bag of gummie worm candies and/or slices of lemon/lime

And a shot of tequila to taste (grown-up gremlins only)

Image Credit: Spider - photo by contrariaN creativE

To many homo sapiens, arthropods are abhorrent creatures, so much so that apparently the U.S. government spends approximately 4 percent of its annual GDP on eliminating this scourge of humanity.

Our haunted house mascot named "Snatchup" is not only a benevolent bug but, more importantly, rather reclusive by nature. More often than not, she prefers to remain in the shadows while performing her valuable role in our highly esteemed and enchanting establishment. Uniquely endowed with a long life span which makes her incapable of expiring from natural causes, she also has a voracious appetite for pesky pests like mosquitoes, flies, and wasps who try slip into our supernatural shelter without making a reservation like everyone else. 

Patrons will be pleased to know that while "Snatchup" is well-behaved most of the time, if she is verbally abused or mistreated in any way, she is capable of snuggling up to subjects while they are asleep and injecting them with enough poison to drop a horse.  

Image Credit: Wicked Witch - photo by bosela from morguefile.com

"My lunar layover at this fantastic frequent-flyer flophouse was truly beyond the pale.

I've never met so many belching banshees, backbiting battle-axes, and brawny bogeymen in all my life. 

After spending an entire evening of fun freaking out folks at The Crypt Casino in the basement, I couldn't wait to be pampered in the Spa for Shrews & She-Devils located somewhere out on the back forty. All those marvelous mud packs and powerful potions concocted by the Cosmetically-Challenged Cauldron Crew were simply superb. 

I was so impressed with all the toil and trouble they took to find my favorite ingredients: eye of newt and toe of frog, wool of bat, and tongue of dog, adder's fork, and blind-worm's sting, not to mention lizard's leg and howlet's wing. Frankly, having a face that would stop a clock has always been my worst nightmare. So, I was tickled pink with the treatment I received; it did wonders for my sagging skin and plump proboscis."

Image Credit: Wayward Witch - photo by Kevin Rosseell at morguefile.com

Although the bumper sticker on Hermione's broomstick read, "I brake for toads" and the twilight trees on the back forty of this rough and ready retreat had been pruned for the flight-path of incoming unidentified flying objects, clearly the Fickle Finger of Fate had something else in mind for this bewitching babe that revealed itself in the full light of day. 

Note: In honor of the Holy Ghost and this heavenly hag who lost her way on that fateful evening many moons ago, the inn will be screening side-splitting re-runs of the popular TV series, "The Flying Nun", and serving all guests with goose bumps a glass of red wine imported from the Vampire Vineyards in Transylvania together with an assorted selection of alluring appies and wicked wafers just to take the edge off this Night of Terror.

As Grand Pooh-Bah & Guardian of the Mystic Cesspool, President of the Genteel Society of Expurgated Hoodlums, and Worshipful Master of the Fee-Faw-Fummers of the Inimitable Grip, I (Fergus Flathead) can attest to the wonderfully weird holiday our members enjoyed at The Best Exotic Moss Arbour Inn.

We shall never forget your creepy customer service and attention to detail in your devilish decor such as the giant cobwebs, well-fed cockroaches, and cloves of garlic that festooned the walls of our well-appointed rooms overlooking the Grim Grinning Ghost Graveyard. 

The Bubbling Bloody Marys served at bedtime together with the chocolate covered tarantulas were very much appreciated. And, we really enjoyed chipping the blocks of dry ice apart with a hammer and screwdriver while wearing colored safety glasses which we think may have caused the early demise of at least one parrot, two cats, and three mice in your haunted house. (Please accept our apology and the enclosed cheque to cover their funeral expenses.)

Personally, I can't wait to hear more gruesome tales about the Grumpy Pumpkin raining down fire and brimstone upon all the wimps and wusses. Next year, we're going to invite the Sisterhood of Skull-Duggery to join us so they can share some of their spine-tingling stories about Willie the Wicked Wasp, the Broken-Bust in the Graveyard, and the Dreadful Doom Buggies.

Image Credit: Fergus Flathead - photo by contrariaN creativE

Image Credit: The Christmas Spider - photo by contrariaN creativE

Image Credit: The curious Christmas character - photo by contrariaN creativE

When it comes to laying our the red carpet for our guests, we confident we can meet your every need, especially during the Ho Ho Ho holiday season.

For those who like adventure, we have oodles of snow banks in which to get lost; avalanches however are extra together with the St. Bernard rescue dogs and a jug of brandy to warm the cockles of your heart and bring back the tingles in your toes.

For those who enjoy a bit of mayhem and mystery, we have a gang of grumpy Grinches ready to remind you that due to a cutback in the production of commodities, naughty boys and girls will not be receiving lumps of coal this year; Santa will be substituting a bag of rocks collected by underemployed elves at the North Pole.

For those seeking a far-out experience, we've invited the Ghost of Christmas Past to pay a visit to our haunted home and invite our guests to revisit their misspent youth.

And, before we forget, may the Force of Fright & Funky be with everyone as we get ready to celebrate -- 2013 The Year of the Snake according to the Chinese zodiac.